The Gift.                                                                                                        12/24/13

At my church we believe in helping the folks that need to be helped. We do this by taking food out to the poorest neighborhoods in the Santa Cruz area. We pack up bags of groceries and go door to door and hand them out. We also ask them if they have any needs we can pray for and then we stand there and pray with them. Since we do this every month for years now, we hear many testimonies of supernatural help from God. We also pack up what we call, “Survivor Bags” for the homeless. They are one gallon sandwich bags filled with such items as socks, water, health bars and toiletries like hand wipes and toothpaste. We are asked to put these in our cars and when we see a person in need standing on the corner we hand these out as we are driving by. I have never encountered a person who refused one, until yesterday.

It went something like this.  I had been carrying around this one bag of stuff from my church for weeks. It was a special one made up just for the Christmas Season. It even had a Christmas card in it. I had it for a long time because I just could not find someone to give it too. I would see them standing on the streets but I was either driving the wrong way or they were on the wrong side. Today at lunch time, I saw this guy in his late 30’s standing on the corner near Target in Watsonville. He had a shopping cart filled with black plastic bags and was holding some kind of sign which I could not read. I saw him from a distance but when I reached to my back seat I could not find the bag. I pulled over to the side and motioned for people to pass me by in the parking lot as I fumbled for this bag. Finally, I found it and with great joy drove up to him to wish him a Merry Christmas and give him this bag. I rolled down my passenger side window and handed him the bag and said, Merry Christmas!” And he said, “No man I don’t want it”. I was aghast. I said, “But it’s filled with Stuff! And, and he said, No man I don’t want stuff, I want money.” I said but its good stuff, like socks and stuff! He got angry and said, “Get out of my face and move along! At this point I had visions of me getting out of the car and hitting him over the head with the bag and scream, “These ladies at our church went to all the trouble to make these up and you’re going to take one! “ Now take it and have a Merry Christmas!”  Ok, that last part was all in my head. I did not yell at him but I completely lost it in my spirit. I drove on feeling very hurt and sad for him. I calmed down and drove back to work. I sat in the car for a bit feeling very dejected, not understanding why someone would reject this free stuff. Then I felt like God tapped me on the shoulder and said to me, “Now you know how I feel”.  Today, I was waiting for the light to turn green on highway 9 leaving Felton, when I glanced over to my left and across the street going the other direction was a homeless man holding a sign. I grabbed the bag, thinking to myself, “If I throw it, he can’t refuse it”. So I yelled, do you want this and at the same time I held it up and tossed it with my left hand across the lane of traffic. I had visions of a car coming the opposite way as it hit the bag, bursting open tossing socks and hand wipes into the air. He nodded yes and thanked me when he caught it, well actually it hit the ground first, thankful it was a strong baggy. I thought to myself, “Hey that was a pretty good throw!” As the light turned green, I drove away. I felt God tapped me on the shoulder again saying, “See sometimes I have to throw blessings at people and leave before they have time to think of what they just received.” Hu? Yes, I am still mulling that one over. 

Aluminumating Addiction

 Aluminumating Addiction                                                          12/15/13

I have been an Asthmatic all my life. The things that set it off are Cats, Hay and Christmas Trees. I always forget about the Christmas trees until the holiday season hits, then its inhaler and pill popping time so that I can breathe again. Because of this issue, childhood with my parents was an adventure in avoiding things that would set me off or end up putting me in the emergency room. In order to still have a resemblance of Christmas during the Holiday season we had an artificial Christmas tree. (Aluminum to be exact).  Silver Aluminum Christmas Trees were all the rage growing up in the 60’s, that and Pink Flamingos but that is a whole other story. This tree was so ingrained in my childhood memory that to this day whenever I open up a wrap of Aluminum foil, I get the urge to break out in Christmas carols. I remember my parents decorated it in red and green ornaments and then lit it with a multicolored strobe light that would slowly rotate from blue, green, red and yellow. It was quite a site when the light hit the aluminum.  Actually the whole room looked like a huge rainbow.  That with the pink flamingos outside, well no wonder I have issues. Just saying…..

I remember the year the addiction in my family started. Yes, folks we became, “That Family.”  The one family in the neighborhood that over decorated at Christmas. To match the inside, my dad would hang red and green Christmas lights over every inch of the outside house. I believe if we had the technology back then we would have been the neighbors that had their lights synchronized to music. When the movie Christmas Vacation came out with Chevy Chase, my sister and I, turned to each other and said, “Hey That’s’ mom and dad!” It all started innocently enough, one year with a Yule Log of all things. It was given to us by one of my dad’s friends who was a 3rd grade school teacher. Every season she would have her kids decorate yule logs with all sorts of decorations.  And every year there would be one left over, maybe from the Jewish kid, I have no idea. But she and her sister would come over a week before Christmas Eve and give us one of these decorated Yule Logs.  Year after year they would come and year after year we would decorate and soon our living room became a Macy’s window display, with bright twinkling lights and a yule log by the fireplace.  I googled it to find out exactly what a Yule Log is and this is what I came up with. It must be true because it was on Wikipedia.

“A yule log is a large and very hard log which is burned in the hearth as a part of traditional Yule or Christmas celebrations in several European cultures. It may also be associated with the winter solstice festival or the Twelve Days of Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or Twelfth Night. The expression yule log has also come to refer to log-shaped Christmas cakes, also known as chocolate logs or bûche de Noël. The yule log is related to other Christmas and Yuletide traditions such as the ashen faggot.”

Ashen Faggot? I think this story just took a sudden left turn.  I remember the day when dad brought home a Real Evergreen Fake Christmas tree in the box from Sears. My first instinct was to run for my inhaler. Then came the robot Santa Clauses. God knows where they came from. Every year we put Mrs. and Mrs. Santa clause in the front picture window next to the fake Christmas tree. I remember that  they would just stand there waving their hands in slow motion at the passerby’s who would drive slowly down the street to look at our big window display to see the newest addition to our addiction, I mean collection. Sometimes people came up to the living room window and peeped in which was very unnerving! Especially when one was in the middle of watching a Brady Bunch episode.  One night, to get back at them, I secretly pulled the fingers back on the Santa Claus so the entire outside world got the middle finger. Mom and dad never had a clue. Surprisingly we won best decorated house that year. My dad still has the Plaque on his wall. I was very proud of my parents. I think it was 1977.  Maybe this year I can pass on a truly awesome tradition and bring someone else a Yule Log so they can become Christmas Decorating Addicts to!

Happy Ashen Faggot Day? Bah,

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

Wicker Furniture For Vegans

Wicker Furniture for Vegans                                                                                                   11/10/13

Recently a friend of mine showed me a place he was interested in renting on Craig’s List which triggered a memory about a house hunting experience I had a few years ago when my dog Blue and I were out looking for a new place to live. It was in October and Blue was about 4 years old at the time. He was still very playful and rambunctious and tended to get into a lot of trouble. It was very difficult to find a place to live due to his enormous energy. Landlords would take one look at his 70 pound ball of Aussie mixed white flurry fur and shy away from us. Also around this same time I remember watching the movie “The Wicker Man”. This movie is not a Nicholas Cage hero of the day movie like his others. In fact, for us men, it is one of the scariest movies out there. Basically it’s about a really good guy who gets burned in the end. (I’m not talking Ghost Rider burned either).  A few days later I found myself looking at a listing for a place to live on Craig’s List. It read, “Two women with dogs looking for a third person with Dog.”  I quickly called them up and they invited me over to see their place.

As I am driving around a dusk lit evening, I find myself winding through the San Lorenzo Valley up this mountain side to a huge beautiful Ideal spread of property with lots of trees and green grass for Blue to run around on. As I put Blue on a leash, I found myself very impressed and hopeful, walking up to the front door.  After ringing the bell, a very attractive man and woman answered the door and welcomed me in. They said, “Let Blue run around with our two dogs to see how he gets along with them.” So off he went playing and romping on the lawn with their two shepherd type dogs. He was in Dog heaven!  Meanwhile they showed me the around the house and the room I would live in. I found it an amazing place and secretly wanted to move right in.  They had the place lit in a certain way that the shadows bounced off the walls which made me squint a bit, but it also gave the place a homey kind of glow, I remember there being a lot of lit candles. They then sat me down and started to intently look me over. That’s when I realized that I was mistaken and that they were both woman. (Think Rachel Meadow and Portia De Rossi). As they gazed upon me, they kept looking at my head, as if there was something hovering around my hair. As their intense gaze was boring through me, they asked me some intense questions. They asked me if I had any issues with them being Lesbians. I said, “Of course not, which I did not. I love Lesbians! They are great to borrow clothes from and don’t ask to borrow my razor to shave their legs with!” They both laughed, thank God. But then they asked me if I was religious and I said, “Yes I believe in the Christian God, Jesus.”  They then said, “We practice ‘Wicken”. My first thought was, “Oh they make wicker furniture”. (No! Its’ Wiccan! That’s me not getting it). As they could see I was not getting it, one of them spoke up and said, “Yes, Sabrina here is an, “Astros Psychic Reader. And I am a Crystal Projection Practitioner. We both do massage, with woman only, and we bring clients back here to the house. Would that be a problem?”  I thought to myself, “Well this could be interesting”. Since I had no idea what they were talking about I said, “That’s ok”?    I was feeling more and more like I wish I had boobs at that moment. Their intense gaze at me was what was really starting to unnerving me. Then they asked me to go get my dog so they could get to know him better. I said ok, hoping they did not mean that in the biblical sense because by this time I was feeling very much like Hansel being thrown into the fire. Meanwhile, out on this amazing spread of property, Blue was having a great time playing with the other two dogs and as I went to fetch him I felt bad because I knew there was a strong chance we would not be calling this home. As I came back with him, they asked me to put him in front of them in this circle that was on the floor. That is when I noticed a design on the carpet surrounded by a circle. From my angle I could not tell what it was until l walked back in the room with Blue. It looked like a star of some sort. I still didn’t get it. I put Blue in the middle and sat back down. That is when the fun began. Instead of petting him they just gazed at him like they did to me. By this time my nervousness was getting the best of me and I said at the top of my voice, “Why are you intently looking at him like that, he does not have fleas!” They said, “We are looking for his Aura” “hu? His whata?” “His Aura.” Ok…..   They said a bunch of mumbo jumbo about his spiritual colors matching their dogs etc.

I think Blue began to feel very uncomfortable for he began panting and wining, Oh! wait that was me. I kept thinking can I live with this? I looked at my watch and said, “Well I need to get going its dinner time. That is when the bomb shell dropped. They asked me if I ate meat. And I said, “Oh I love meat, steaks, chicken and especially Bacon, Blue and I both Love bacon”. “I am addicted to the food network and love to cook.” They said, “Well we are a Vegan house hold. I said, “What? What’s a Vegan?” I had heard of Vegetarians but this took it to a whole other level. They said we do not eat meat and the new roommate will not be allowed to cook it in the kitchen. That’s when I lost it. I said, “What kind of people are you??!” Not eat Meat?! I can live with Lesbians, I can even ignore your religious practices but not eat meat?! I grabbed Blue and got the hell out of there. I got home that night and as I kept thinking, it dawned on me what that design on the carpet was and then I wondered if they wanted me to become their next “Wicker Man?”  

SHAKES AND BUMPS

The Hand Bump Hand Shake                                                                                    07/18/13                                                         

I have never seen this particular subject written about before so I thought I would bring it up. Just now sitting here at my favorite café, Peet’s, two men came in separately and when they saw each other they both automatically reached out with their fists and did the “Fist Bump”, both in sink. Now, I have seen this particular greeting happen many times before, but when is one supposed to know when to Bump and when to Shake?  

This just happened to me the other day. I was sitting outside here at my café, when a younger man sat down and we started to talk about jobs, the weather, etc. After about a half hour, as he got up to leave, he reached out his right appendage.  I to reached out mine to shake his hand but while his hand was fisted, mine was all fingers. (I personally would like to keep my middle finger in one piece without breaking it in the process). Then we both did the same thing at the same time. We reversed polarity and changed our hands like we were playing Rock, Paper and Scissors.  After the third attempt of trying to match fist bump verses hand shake, we gave up and he walked away. I thought about writing Dear Abby, but I think she’s dead! So here I sit not knowing when to do the hand bump verses the handshake. My thoughts on this matter are a bit scrambled. I thought it was a younger generation thing, but when I tried the Bump Fist on my nephew, he just said, “Uncle, you’re so chill”. Uh?  Actually he said, “Uncle Chill.” I was not hot at the time so I just went along with him. So here I sit in my early, early 50’s wondering when I became, Chill, verses Cool. When did the hand shake go out of style and why has society greeting manners become so complicated? From now on I think I will just hug people, and that way, everyone will feel awkward and included at the same time.

CABLE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Cable the Great and Powerful!                                                                 3/30/13

I recently went and saw the new “OZ” movie and thought to myself how much dealing with the cable company was similar to this movie, a bunch of smoke and mirrors. About two weeks ago we here in the Santa Cruz Bay area started getting notified via Red Banner across the top of certain TV channels that in order to keep receiving these particular channels, we would have to go down to the Cable office or call an 800 number to have a new digital converter shipped to our homes. To the chagrin of many customers the 800 number then told us to go down to the local cable office anyway and to pick up the converter. When many did so the office then told them that they did not have them yet and said that they would be mailed out. BUT! Before anyone could do anything they turned the channels off. No more History, Sports or Animal Planet, Oh MY!  On Monday, my friend L’N, called me up and asked me to go with her to the Cable office, saying it would just be a few minutes of my time and then she would take me out my favorite coffee house. “Ah coffee, my week spot”. As we drove up to the office we could see that there was a line trailing outside and down the side of the parking lot of about 30 towns people, which I swear were holding pitchforks and torches. I thought I was entering the dark forest.  As we stood there we started hearing about everyone’s yellow brick road experience with the cable company. Standing next to us, one guy was holding all his TV equipment because the day before he picked up his new box and converter and it started smoking and melting when he plugged it in. One lady was in line for the third time because the last two times she had come down to the office, they had run out of converters. Another lady was in line because all her channels went out not just the digital ones. We also found out that if you die, cable will not turn off your service until you present a death certificate. What!? Uhm, so does that mean you can still watch your favorite programing from heaven, or hell? I guess this depends on what reality show you watch. Really, this lady in front of us was standing in line because her father had died and they would not turn off his service until she provided a copy of his death certificate. So there she was holding  all of her paper work, along with that huge cable box, cables and remotes spilling out of her arms. She kept dropping one of the remotes and it kept falling on the foot of the lady in front of her. Finally the third time it happened the lady in front of her said, “Would you Stop it! Don’t drop that again!” I swear she was going to hit her with her remote. I made a joke to ease the tension about having a remote control fight, like dueling light sabers, which in turn got scowling looks. As we were standing there more and more people joined the line. Seniors looking forlorn did not get any sympathy from us. No way! “First come, first serve baby! This is cable great and powerful!” Since everyone was grumbling I found myself getting all worked up into an angry frenzy and now wanted to give the customer service rep a piece of my mind!  But when we got to the front of the line, what I was expecting to find was the wicked witch of the west but instead got Glenda the good witch, well, really his name was Glen. And he was very nice and full of all the right customer service words and assurances that one needs to work in that kind of job. He offered us a six month discount and free converters per TV. Hey, how can you throw water on that one! After leaving there, I started thinking about how cable  had the power to literally bring people to their knees. In this case though there are no ruby slippers at the end of the rainbow. Just Glen giving us our converter box’s and wishing us many happy reruns in TV land, which by the way may cost us more in the future, for he advised us our rates are going up. I swear after we were done he was whisked away in a bubble.  I think I may switch over to Satellite TV except I do not want to deal with the flying monkeys.

Pasta Perfection

I have written in the past about my friend Lilly’s adventures in Elder Care Sitting and here is another story. She recently took a new gig with a senor couple who are in their 80’s. A very sweet couple, who adore her and treat her as a daughter. They just need special care in the early mornings and late evenings. They have many friends and a family in the area and seem quite loved by those around them. At night Lilly usually prepares pre made meals for them by the various family members who bring them over putting them in the freezer or fridge depending on the meal. After dinner, she then watches TV with the couple and then puts them to bed and when they are a sleep she goes home.

One evening Lilly pulls out a pre-made meal from the freezer and pops it in the oven. The cooking instructions are written on it so all she has to do is reheat it. This time it was a cheesy pasta dish which she then served with a homemade salad. As they were digging in to eat, the man looked down and exclaimed, ‘Oh this pasta looks like foreskin!” Sheila must of made it!” The old lady said, without blinking an eye, “Yup must be foreskin then!  Lilly looked closely at it, and indeed it kind of did look a bit odd  but she just assumed it was the musings of and old man and woman and did not pursue the conversation, but at this junction of the conversation completely lost her appetite  and instead just ate salad.

A few weeks later Lilly pulled out another frozen pasta dish and served it that night. When it was fully heated through she pulled off the foil cover and put a serving spoon in it and as she did so she looked down into the dish and could swear that the pasta was not your normal looking Penne pasta but in fact looked very phallic like.  She tried to ignore what she was looking at and served it anyway. As Lilly sat down the lady said, “Oh this must be another Sheila dish!” Lilly, this time asked, “What the heck is going on with these pasta dishes!” Well it turns out that Sheila is their practical joker of a granddaughter who loves to play jokes on her grandparents. Apparently she gets this pasta at a sex novelty store and was told to be aware of other food stuff in the future. Lilly decided to pass on the pasta even though the couple gobbled it up and said it was good. She then told me what happened and I said to her, “This would make a great column, so is spelled Penne or Peni?”