911 The Sequel

911 the Sequel.                                                              3/20/14

It’s been 17 days and two stints since my last Cardiac Infarction. I am very grateful to God and his power to keep me alive and sane through this ordeal. The following is some of the lessons I have learned and some character building skills I have used going through it.

I was told I have a strong heart and that all my other arteries are 100% fine. The meds I am on are another matter.  One of them has given me the hives. I have never had hives or any other allergic skin reaction for that matter so this is all new to me. So out I went and bought a bottle of Benadryl Anti-itch gel . “Ah, that feels so much better!”  My second time in the hospital was just as good experience as the first. The "Cardio Staff "are wonderful! Things that I have learned since I was in the hospital are too numerous to mention, but here are a few tid-bits.

I learned that training new EMT’s takes place in the ER. While I was being admitted the nurse came in and told me he was training this new EMT on how to install an IV into the arm artery. I said, ‘Sure no problem!”  So as this new guy was trying to find my vein, I hear him muttering, “Oh you have great veins!”  For some reason all the nurses kept complementing me on how big my veins were. I secretly think they have a vein fetish or something. Anyway, he kept thumping my arm to get it to pop, then pressure, then pain, then I heard, “Oh Shit!” Hu? He yelled at the nurse, I can’t stop the bleeding! Yes, folks everyone wants to hear THAT in the ER. They finally got it under control. But I felt SO sorry for the new guy. He spent the next half hour cleaning up my blood off of him, off of me and off the floor. I kept thinking, “I hope there are no vampires around, I’d be a smorgasbord!” He left and walked back by, then he walked by again, and then he came in again and said, “I still have to clean up so more”. I said, “oh where now?”, and he said, “I saw that I missed some on your arm”.  That was so thoughtful of him! We all have to go through a learning curve and that must be the hardest profession to do so. I would have preferred not to have been his subject of training though. Hey, maybe I can get a discount off the bill?! 

I had to keep telling myself that, Yes, the doctors and nurses do know what they are doing and that they do not need my help in controlling the situation. “Lord, help me to except the things I cannot change…..”

I learned that while sleeping, I like to wrap the IV tube around my neck and then around my Legs. That was a fun one to get out of. I also learned I can still sleep soundly while EKG and IV machines go off sounding high pitched siren beeping sounds, I think this was thanks to the Norco they gave me.  I have also come to realize that I am hopelessly uncoordinated when it comes to putting on those hospital gowns with all the buttons, snaps and ties. I think the nurses were secretly amused at this because they liked fixing me up back there. Hey!  I have a nice butt! And apparently nice veins too, who knew?

My last experience was Norco induced for which I am not responsible for the outcome.  Every night around midnight the nursing staff changed shifts. And every night they would wake me up and introduce me to the new nurse. The last night I was there, I was having body aches and flu like shivers, (Extra Norco please!) and in walked the homeliest nurse I had ever seen. I thought, “Well all my nurses up to that point were all very good looking. I guess there had to be a homely one in the bunch.” But she was so big and brawny, that she scared me. Think, “Dwayne Johnson, the Rock”. I mean really this girl could break me in half! When she came over I backed down in the bed and said, "Please be gentle!" Then she said, “Hi, my name is Ron and I will be your new nurse this evening.” RON!? He was great and I am glad he saw me through the night. And no, I do not think he would have enjoyed fixing my gown.

Now that I am on the other side of a mild cardiac infarction, I am out warning everyone to get checked. If you are experiencing any weird aches and pains go get them checked out. Especially if you have a family history of heart disease and are over the big “Five O”. Now that we are all “Covered Californians” we should not have any excuses. Yea Right....

Cardiac Infarction

“911 what is your emergency?” “Ah, what does a Heart Attack feel like?”

No, this is not Downton Abbey and I am not Lady Mary or Lord Crawley but boy are they making me feel like royalty. “May I change your sheets Lord Larson?” “May I get you some water?” “May I help you on with your clean gown?” Yes, folks I am in the cardiac word at Dominican Hospital. It all started 3 nights ago on a cold rainy Friday morning, when I woke up at 2am feeling like I went three rounds with Rocky Balboa. Guys, if you ever wake up and feel like your jaw is being ripped off your face and your arms go numb, along with the sensation that someone is sitting on your chest, then you are! Having a Heart Attack!  Welcome to my 50s! As I am trying to figure out how to dial 911, I realize I have no clue…Hu? When I finally figure it out I asked the 911 operator, “Do you know what it feels like to have a heart attack? She said, “Are you having a heart attack?” I said, “I do not know, I thought you would know” She said, “Let me transfer you to an emergency operator. I said, “I thought you WERE the emergency operator.” As she clicked me over…I thought to myself, “They will probably find me in the morning clutching the phone while listening to hold music”.

A guy came on and asked me if I was having a heart attack. I said, “I do not know, I thought you would know.” He said, “What are you experiencing?” When I was finished explaining how Rocky Balboa was winning this round, He said, “We will send someone right over.” “Do you want to stay on the phone?” I said, “Do I have a choice?” He said, “No", and that he was just being polite and that I needed to stay on the phone until they got there. It was pouring rain and I thought of all the nights I have a heart attack it has to be on a storm watch night up here in the Felton Mountains. I kept feeling sorry for them!  That’s not codependency is it? Well, they finally arrived and got me into the ambulance and put a nitro glycerin pill under my tongue. And Rocky slowly melted away. Ah HA! I win!

They pulled out of my driveway and off we went down the Daytona 500. No kidding!!  I told the Medic he did not need to drive so fast, that I felt better. But NO! It felt like a roller coaster ride down Highway 9. We kept rolling back and forth as the other medic tried to put the IV in my hand but he kept missing. Every time he poked I pocked back. He was a young kid and was very apologetic that my hand had become a pin cushion. He finally gave up and said we’d wait until we got to the emergency room. I think he was eventually able to get an IV into my arm. I was just grateful that the pain went away and I was in good hands. Then the light went out. “AH, is that me or is that the ambulance?” He mumbled something and they came back on. Just a side note from cardiac patients in Ambulances to medics. “You never want to see the lights go out!” I was then asked a battery of questions, one of them being, “Do I have a family history of heart disease? “Which I replied, “Not any more they all died of heart attacks.” As Chelsey Handler would say, “Ooopsi”.

After we arrived in the ER and they secured that my infarction had subsided, I love that word, Infarction, infarction, infarction! I whipped out the magic insurance card and off I went up to my own room in the cardiac ward. Gee, I have a view of the cemetery how thoughtful of them. A few hours later after the meeting with the most wonderful doctor of all time, Dr. Ochoa and his Nurse Beth, I was tied down on a bed and whisked off to this wonderful looking laboratory with whirling monitors, lights from all directions and movable tables, and an amazing staff. If I did not know better I felt like I was playing out a scene of an alien abduction scenario. Except I could see they were humans with big eyes, wearing masks and caps and gowns, gee I think they were human. Yes, of course they were, yet, do you know we now have the technology to insert a hair like tube up someone’s artery system and insert a stint the size of a paper clip which allows the blood to flow through a clogged artery? I think that is Alien Technology. They then told me they were going to shoot me up with morphine, YAHOO! To be honest I am not sure of these chain of events but all of sudden I heard a buzzing sound, like hair clippers, and then a sudden tickling sensation in my nether regions. After they told me what they wanted to do, I said, “You want to insert a tube up where!? In my groin? Do you know what’s down there?!  Yes, Sire we do, but it’s the best method of fixing your Cardiac Infarction, did I say I love that word? Oops there goes the royalty pun again. But really that’s how they made me feel.

Many more wonderful things happened that night but I will write more about them later. Suffice it to say, I am now one week living after a Mild Heart Attack, Infarction. Ha ha.  The Doc said, that he got me just in time and that it was the right thing to do, to dial 911, even though it was pouring rain and I was not sure if it was a heart attack or if it was just the pizza I ate a few hours before. Between you and me, I do not think Pizza fights back like that in real life like it does in the commercials. I want to profusely thank the men and women who saved my life. To the ambulance medic who reassured me that I would be fine, to the ER doctors, who convinced me to stay put in the ER when I wanted to bolt. (That’s another story). I want to thank Beth and Barbara and the many other nurses whose name escapes me. I want to thank Doctor Ochoa most of all. He not only helped save my life but he treated me with dignity and human compassion. If anyone out there is having a Cardiac Infarction, then he is the one to see. 

The Gift.                                                                                                        12/24/13

At my church we believe in helping the folks that need to be helped. We do this by taking food out to the poorest neighborhoods in the Santa Cruz area. We pack up bags of groceries and go door to door and hand them out. We also ask them if they have any needs we can pray for and then we stand there and pray with them. Since we do this every month for years now, we hear many testimonies of supernatural help from God. We also pack up what we call, “Survivor Bags” for the homeless. They are one gallon sandwich bags filled with such items as socks, water, health bars and toiletries like hand wipes and toothpaste. We are asked to put these in our cars and when we see a person in need standing on the corner we hand these out as we are driving by. I have never encountered a person who refused one, until yesterday.

It went something like this.  I had been carrying around this one bag of stuff from my church for weeks. It was a special one made up just for the Christmas Season. It even had a Christmas card in it. I had it for a long time because I just could not find someone to give it too. I would see them standing on the streets but I was either driving the wrong way or they were on the wrong side. Today at lunch time, I saw this guy in his late 30’s standing on the corner near Target in Watsonville. He had a shopping cart filled with black plastic bags and was holding some kind of sign which I could not read. I saw him from a distance but when I reached to my back seat I could not find the bag. I pulled over to the side and motioned for people to pass me by in the parking lot as I fumbled for this bag. Finally, I found it and with great joy drove up to him to wish him a Merry Christmas and give him this bag. I rolled down my passenger side window and handed him the bag and said, Merry Christmas!” And he said, “No man I don’t want it”. I was aghast. I said, “But it’s filled with Stuff! And, and he said, No man I don’t want stuff, I want money.” I said but its good stuff, like socks and stuff! He got angry and said, “Get out of my face and move along! At this point I had visions of me getting out of the car and hitting him over the head with the bag and scream, “These ladies at our church went to all the trouble to make these up and you’re going to take one! “ Now take it and have a Merry Christmas!”  Ok, that last part was all in my head. I did not yell at him but I completely lost it in my spirit. I drove on feeling very hurt and sad for him. I calmed down and drove back to work. I sat in the car for a bit feeling very dejected, not understanding why someone would reject this free stuff. Then I felt like God tapped me on the shoulder and said to me, “Now you know how I feel”.  Today, I was waiting for the light to turn green on highway 9 leaving Felton, when I glanced over to my left and across the street going the other direction was a homeless man holding a sign. I grabbed the bag, thinking to myself, “If I throw it, he can’t refuse it”. So I yelled, do you want this and at the same time I held it up and tossed it with my left hand across the lane of traffic. I had visions of a car coming the opposite way as it hit the bag, bursting open tossing socks and hand wipes into the air. He nodded yes and thanked me when he caught it, well actually it hit the ground first, thankful it was a strong baggy. I thought to myself, “Hey that was a pretty good throw!” As the light turned green, I drove away. I felt God tapped me on the shoulder again saying, “See sometimes I have to throw blessings at people and leave before they have time to think of what they just received.” Hu? Yes, I am still mulling that one over. 

Aluminumating Addiction

 Aluminumating Addiction                                                          12/15/13

I have been an Asthmatic all my life. The things that set it off are Cats, Hay and Christmas Trees. I always forget about the Christmas trees until the holiday season hits, then its inhaler and pill popping time so that I can breathe again. Because of this issue, childhood with my parents was an adventure in avoiding things that would set me off or end up putting me in the emergency room. In order to still have a resemblance of Christmas during the Holiday season we had an artificial Christmas tree. (Aluminum to be exact).  Silver Aluminum Christmas Trees were all the rage growing up in the 60’s, that and Pink Flamingos but that is a whole other story. This tree was so ingrained in my childhood memory that to this day whenever I open up a wrap of Aluminum foil, I get the urge to break out in Christmas carols. I remember my parents decorated it in red and green ornaments and then lit it with a multicolored strobe light that would slowly rotate from blue, green, red and yellow. It was quite a site when the light hit the aluminum.  Actually the whole room looked like a huge rainbow.  That with the pink flamingos outside, well no wonder I have issues. Just saying…..

I remember the year the addiction in my family started. Yes, folks we became, “That Family.”  The one family in the neighborhood that over decorated at Christmas. To match the inside, my dad would hang red and green Christmas lights over every inch of the outside house. I believe if we had the technology back then we would have been the neighbors that had their lights synchronized to music. When the movie Christmas Vacation came out with Chevy Chase, my sister and I, turned to each other and said, “Hey That’s’ mom and dad!” It all started innocently enough, one year with a Yule Log of all things. It was given to us by one of my dad’s friends who was a 3rd grade school teacher. Every season she would have her kids decorate yule logs with all sorts of decorations.  And every year there would be one left over, maybe from the Jewish kid, I have no idea. But she and her sister would come over a week before Christmas Eve and give us one of these decorated Yule Logs.  Year after year they would come and year after year we would decorate and soon our living room became a Macy’s window display, with bright twinkling lights and a yule log by the fireplace.  I googled it to find out exactly what a Yule Log is and this is what I came up with. It must be true because it was on Wikipedia.

“A yule log is a large and very hard log which is burned in the hearth as a part of traditional Yule or Christmas celebrations in several European cultures. It may also be associated with the winter solstice festival or the Twelve Days of Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or Twelfth Night. The expression yule log has also come to refer to log-shaped Christmas cakes, also known as chocolate logs or bûche de Noël. The yule log is related to other Christmas and Yuletide traditions such as the ashen faggot.”

Ashen Faggot? I think this story just took a sudden left turn.  I remember the day when dad brought home a Real Evergreen Fake Christmas tree in the box from Sears. My first instinct was to run for my inhaler. Then came the robot Santa Clauses. God knows where they came from. Every year we put Mrs. and Mrs. Santa clause in the front picture window next to the fake Christmas tree. I remember that  they would just stand there waving their hands in slow motion at the passerby’s who would drive slowly down the street to look at our big window display to see the newest addition to our addiction, I mean collection. Sometimes people came up to the living room window and peeped in which was very unnerving! Especially when one was in the middle of watching a Brady Bunch episode.  One night, to get back at them, I secretly pulled the fingers back on the Santa Claus so the entire outside world got the middle finger. Mom and dad never had a clue. Surprisingly we won best decorated house that year. My dad still has the Plaque on his wall. I was very proud of my parents. I think it was 1977.  Maybe this year I can pass on a truly awesome tradition and bring someone else a Yule Log so they can become Christmas Decorating Addicts to!

Happy Ashen Faggot Day? Bah,

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

Wicker Furniture For Vegans

Wicker Furniture for Vegans                                                                                                   11/10/13

Recently a friend of mine showed me a place he was interested in renting on Craig’s List which triggered a memory about a house hunting experience I had a few years ago when my dog Blue and I were out looking for a new place to live. It was in October and Blue was about 4 years old at the time. He was still very playful and rambunctious and tended to get into a lot of trouble. It was very difficult to find a place to live due to his enormous energy. Landlords would take one look at his 70 pound ball of Aussie mixed white flurry fur and shy away from us. Also around this same time I remember watching the movie “The Wicker Man”. This movie is not a Nicholas Cage hero of the day movie like his others. In fact, for us men, it is one of the scariest movies out there. Basically it’s about a really good guy who gets burned in the end. (I’m not talking Ghost Rider burned either).  A few days later I found myself looking at a listing for a place to live on Craig’s List. It read, “Two women with dogs looking for a third person with Dog.”  I quickly called them up and they invited me over to see their place.

As I am driving around a dusk lit evening, I find myself winding through the San Lorenzo Valley up this mountain side to a huge beautiful Ideal spread of property with lots of trees and green grass for Blue to run around on. As I put Blue on a leash, I found myself very impressed and hopeful, walking up to the front door.  After ringing the bell, a very attractive man and woman answered the door and welcomed me in. They said, “Let Blue run around with our two dogs to see how he gets along with them.” So off he went playing and romping on the lawn with their two shepherd type dogs. He was in Dog heaven!  Meanwhile they showed me the around the house and the room I would live in. I found it an amazing place and secretly wanted to move right in.  They had the place lit in a certain way that the shadows bounced off the walls which made me squint a bit, but it also gave the place a homey kind of glow, I remember there being a lot of lit candles. They then sat me down and started to intently look me over. That’s when I realized that I was mistaken and that they were both woman. (Think Rachel Meadow and Portia De Rossi). As they gazed upon me, they kept looking at my head, as if there was something hovering around my hair. As their intense gaze was boring through me, they asked me some intense questions. They asked me if I had any issues with them being Lesbians. I said, “Of course not, which I did not. I love Lesbians! They are great to borrow clothes from and don’t ask to borrow my razor to shave their legs with!” They both laughed, thank God. But then they asked me if I was religious and I said, “Yes I believe in the Christian God, Jesus.”  They then said, “We practice ‘Wicken”. My first thought was, “Oh they make wicker furniture”. (No! Its’ Wiccan! That’s me not getting it). As they could see I was not getting it, one of them spoke up and said, “Yes, Sabrina here is an, “Astros Psychic Reader. And I am a Crystal Projection Practitioner. We both do massage, with woman only, and we bring clients back here to the house. Would that be a problem?”  I thought to myself, “Well this could be interesting”. Since I had no idea what they were talking about I said, “That’s ok”?    I was feeling more and more like I wish I had boobs at that moment. Their intense gaze at me was what was really starting to unnerving me. Then they asked me to go get my dog so they could get to know him better. I said ok, hoping they did not mean that in the biblical sense because by this time I was feeling very much like Hansel being thrown into the fire. Meanwhile, out on this amazing spread of property, Blue was having a great time playing with the other two dogs and as I went to fetch him I felt bad because I knew there was a strong chance we would not be calling this home. As I came back with him, they asked me to put him in front of them in this circle that was on the floor. That is when I noticed a design on the carpet surrounded by a circle. From my angle I could not tell what it was until l walked back in the room with Blue. It looked like a star of some sort. I still didn’t get it. I put Blue in the middle and sat back down. That is when the fun began. Instead of petting him they just gazed at him like they did to me. By this time my nervousness was getting the best of me and I said at the top of my voice, “Why are you intently looking at him like that, he does not have fleas!” They said, “We are looking for his Aura” “hu? His whata?” “His Aura.” Ok…..   They said a bunch of mumbo jumbo about his spiritual colors matching their dogs etc.

I think Blue began to feel very uncomfortable for he began panting and wining, Oh! wait that was me. I kept thinking can I live with this? I looked at my watch and said, “Well I need to get going its dinner time. That is when the bomb shell dropped. They asked me if I ate meat. And I said, “Oh I love meat, steaks, chicken and especially Bacon, Blue and I both Love bacon”. “I am addicted to the food network and love to cook.” They said, “Well we are a Vegan house hold. I said, “What? What’s a Vegan?” I had heard of Vegetarians but this took it to a whole other level. They said we do not eat meat and the new roommate will not be allowed to cook it in the kitchen. That’s when I lost it. I said, “What kind of people are you??!” Not eat Meat?! I can live with Lesbians, I can even ignore your religious practices but not eat meat?! I grabbed Blue and got the hell out of there. I got home that night and as I kept thinking, it dawned on me what that design on the carpet was and then I wondered if they wanted me to become their next “Wicker Man?”  

SHAKES AND BUMPS

The Hand Bump Hand Shake                                                                                    07/18/13                                                         

I have never seen this particular subject written about before so I thought I would bring it up. Just now sitting here at my favorite café, Peet’s, two men came in separately and when they saw each other they both automatically reached out with their fists and did the “Fist Bump”, both in sink. Now, I have seen this particular greeting happen many times before, but when is one supposed to know when to Bump and when to Shake?  

This just happened to me the other day. I was sitting outside here at my café, when a younger man sat down and we started to talk about jobs, the weather, etc. After about a half hour, as he got up to leave, he reached out his right appendage.  I to reached out mine to shake his hand but while his hand was fisted, mine was all fingers. (I personally would like to keep my middle finger in one piece without breaking it in the process). Then we both did the same thing at the same time. We reversed polarity and changed our hands like we were playing Rock, Paper and Scissors.  After the third attempt of trying to match fist bump verses hand shake, we gave up and he walked away. I thought about writing Dear Abby, but I think she’s dead! So here I sit not knowing when to do the hand bump verses the handshake. My thoughts on this matter are a bit scrambled. I thought it was a younger generation thing, but when I tried the Bump Fist on my nephew, he just said, “Uncle, you’re so chill”. Uh?  Actually he said, “Uncle Chill.” I was not hot at the time so I just went along with him. So here I sit in my early, early 50’s wondering when I became, Chill, verses Cool. When did the hand shake go out of style and why has society greeting manners become so complicated? From now on I think I will just hug people, and that way, everyone will feel awkward and included at the same time.

CABLE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Cable the Great and Powerful!                                                                 3/30/13

I recently went and saw the new “OZ” movie and thought to myself how much dealing with the cable company was similar to this movie, a bunch of smoke and mirrors. About two weeks ago we here in the Santa Cruz Bay area started getting notified via Red Banner across the top of certain TV channels that in order to keep receiving these particular channels, we would have to go down to the Cable office or call an 800 number to have a new digital converter shipped to our homes. To the chagrin of many customers the 800 number then told us to go down to the local cable office anyway and to pick up the converter. When many did so the office then told them that they did not have them yet and said that they would be mailed out. BUT! Before anyone could do anything they turned the channels off. No more History, Sports or Animal Planet, Oh MY!  On Monday, my friend L’N, called me up and asked me to go with her to the Cable office, saying it would just be a few minutes of my time and then she would take me out my favorite coffee house. “Ah coffee, my week spot”. As we drove up to the office we could see that there was a line trailing outside and down the side of the parking lot of about 30 towns people, which I swear were holding pitchforks and torches. I thought I was entering the dark forest.  As we stood there we started hearing about everyone’s yellow brick road experience with the cable company. Standing next to us, one guy was holding all his TV equipment because the day before he picked up his new box and converter and it started smoking and melting when he plugged it in. One lady was in line for the third time because the last two times she had come down to the office, they had run out of converters. Another lady was in line because all her channels went out not just the digital ones. We also found out that if you die, cable will not turn off your service until you present a death certificate. What!? Uhm, so does that mean you can still watch your favorite programing from heaven, or hell? I guess this depends on what reality show you watch. Really, this lady in front of us was standing in line because her father had died and they would not turn off his service until she provided a copy of his death certificate. So there she was holding  all of her paper work, along with that huge cable box, cables and remotes spilling out of her arms. She kept dropping one of the remotes and it kept falling on the foot of the lady in front of her. Finally the third time it happened the lady in front of her said, “Would you Stop it! Don’t drop that again!” I swear she was going to hit her with her remote. I made a joke to ease the tension about having a remote control fight, like dueling light sabers, which in turn got scowling looks. As we were standing there more and more people joined the line. Seniors looking forlorn did not get any sympathy from us. No way! “First come, first serve baby! This is cable great and powerful!” Since everyone was grumbling I found myself getting all worked up into an angry frenzy and now wanted to give the customer service rep a piece of my mind!  But when we got to the front of the line, what I was expecting to find was the wicked witch of the west but instead got Glenda the good witch, well, really his name was Glen. And he was very nice and full of all the right customer service words and assurances that one needs to work in that kind of job. He offered us a six month discount and free converters per TV. Hey, how can you throw water on that one! After leaving there, I started thinking about how cable  had the power to literally bring people to their knees. In this case though there are no ruby slippers at the end of the rainbow. Just Glen giving us our converter box’s and wishing us many happy reruns in TV land, which by the way may cost us more in the future, for he advised us our rates are going up. I swear after we were done he was whisked away in a bubble.  I think I may switch over to Satellite TV except I do not want to deal with the flying monkeys.