Stuffed Relatives for the Holidays

Stuffed Relatives for the Holidays.                             11/20/11

One warm afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting outside of my favorite coffee house talking with a friend of mine, when a woman drove up, parked and went into the coffee shop. In the front passenger seat, seat belted in, she had what appeared to be a large brown short haired shepherd type dog wearing a red holiday scarf. As I am sitting there talking with my friend, I looked past him at the car and I noticed that the dog never moved. I didn’t give it much thought at first but then I suspected something maybe very wrong, like maybe the lady had seat belted him into the seat too tight and in that case I might want to intervene on the dog’s behalf. I kept talking to my friend a while longer when I noticed that the dog seemed to be really frozen in place. Then the thought occurred to me that maybe it was not a real dog but just an oversized stuffed child’s toy. As I kept looking at it I found there was something too realistic about the dog which prompted me to go over and investigate. So I walked over to the passenger side window to really get a good look at the creature. And to my surprise it truly was a real dog, or at least it had been one at one time. Yes folks, it had paid a visit to the taxidermist and now it was out joy riding with its owner. I was appalled and amused all at the same time. I went back to my friend, who checked it out for himself, and he agreed, “Yes it looks real, it’s the glass eyes that give me the creeps”. (At this point I want to add we never did determine if it was real or not.)

 I said, can you imagine if we did this with people? And he said, “Well the holidays would be quieter”. We started laughing, imagining what if we had taxidermyed our dead relatives. I said, we could keep them in the attic during the year and only bring them out at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We could set Grandma and Grandpa around the table along with other relatives. It would be like the good old days. Everyone around the table eating and laughing enjoying each other’s company. “Could you pass the mashed potatoes Grandma? Oh your arms not working? Here, let me do it for you”. “Grandpa, would you like more pumpkin pie? Oh, you’re stuffed? No problem, I’ll have your piece”. After we got done laughing at our own humor, the lady came out, got in her car, said a few words to her pet, and drove away. Later that day, I went home, embraced my dog, and said, don’t worry buddy I’ll never stuff you. He just looked at me with his head cocked to the right, wagging his tail, waiting for his cookie. Happy Holidays everyone, pass the stuffing?

Presents for Turkeys

Presents for Turkeys

It’s was Black Friday followed by Cyber Deals Monday last week. Actually they need to call it Black Thursday Night because the stores this year were open on Thanksgiving evening! Yes! I now can eat my turkey and have my color plasma TV half off! Happy Thanksgiving, now get out of my way I have shopping to do!

I have been standing in line now for over two hours for this dang store to open and I have to go to the bathroom. I wonder if someone could save my spot, I’ll ask this lady next to me. Miss, could you save my spot for me while I go to the bathroom? “I will not she said, what do you think this is Occupy Target?”

The doors are opening! The doors are opening! Ouch! “Hey, get your knee out of my back, get off me!” “I think the shopping cart wheels are stuck on this thing, get out of my way!” “Oops there goes the security guard down for the count.” “Yes it will fit into the cart! Hey, I saw that new Blue Ray DVD Player first, give it back!” No she didn’t!” “Get off my foot you hoodlum!” “Hey, that Wetsy Betsy was for my son!” “Hu?” “That store clerk just over charged me! I want my discount! Yes, I did bring my store card, plus the coupon, Idiot.”  “Oh no! They are sold out! No way! I wonder if I could haggle someone for theirs. You tell me you’re going to sell it on EBay for double the price? What is this country coming to?  You Greedy Wall Streeter!”  “Merry Christmas, now pass the entitlement.”

 Well folks, somehow people found the money to shop this year in spite of the economic crises. They may be losing their jobs and homes but god forbid if they will give up their new color plasma TV’s or Blue ray DVD players. Ok, ok, I need to be honest here. I really did not stand in line for two hours.  I watched it all on the six o’clock news the next day and read the body language of the customers blowing through the stores. There is no way in Heck I would go out on a cold November night full of Turkey and stand in line with a bunch of people just to buy something. I can do it the easy way, online! What! They are sold out!  What?! No free shipping! Greedy online stores! 

Aging in Line At Costco

Aging In Line at Costco   (Part II)                           11/12/11

I became a member of Costco in the late 80’s and sent my parents a complementary secondary card. I knew they would use it more often than me hence my first article part one. About four years ago my dad called me and asked if he could become the primary card holder so he could become an Executive Member. I said, no problem and then I asked him why the Executive Membership? And he said, “So that he could get in before ten am and shop.” But he did not give me a clear reason why he needed to get in so early in the morning.  Then the revelation hit me. It’s a senior’s hang out! It’s their watering hole! Whichever Costco you go to, there are seniors sitting near the food court, conversing, having their hotdogs, donuts and coffee, but of all places why Costco?

So one day last week I am standing about 3^rd in line at the Costco Pharmacy. And I begin thinking. (Yes, very dangerous of me), I am wondering what the average age is of the person who goes to the Costco Pharmacy? As I am drifting in and out of thought provoking territory I realize that on my left side of the isle there are beauty skin products to prevent aging. On the other side of the isle there are displayed diabetic and heart supplies and in front of me, in huge boxes it reads, “Depends for Men, Large size”. Talk about discretion! How do you hide a thing like that at the check stand? So using my deductive reasoning skills, I surmise that the average age must be around fifty years old.  I came to that conclusion because that’s the age that I have begun using some of those products, of course not the depends! The self realization comes to me that I am at the age where this place will soon become my watering hole. Feeling very depressed and sorry for myself, I hear my name being called so I somberly walk up to the clerk and pick up my meds.

As I am passing the Glucosamine Juice testing stand, (Has anyone ever got a buzz from that stuff but me?) I decide I am hungry so I go over to buy lunch at the food court. Hey, you can’t beat $1.50 for a Hot Dog and soft drink. Then it hits me. It so cheap to eat here! That’s why it’s a senior’s hang out! So I sit down next to some grey bears, I mean highly mature folk, and I munch down on my Polish Dog and Root Beer. Some friends of mine, whom are standing in line, see me and come on over with their food stuff and sit down beside me. We catch up on our lives and I begin to suspect that the Costco watering hole isn’t so bad after all. I wonder if I am eligible for my AARP card soon.

Costco Heaven

Costco Heaven (Part One)                                      11/11/11

Growing up with World War II era parents in the late 1970’s, our Kitchen closets always looked like an underground bunker, waiting for a nuclear winter. Every closet and extra space was full to the top with house hold goods. Per my parents, “You just never know son, when the Russians are going to invade!” Looking back, we always had those extra rolls of toilet paper, rows of canned peas, green beans, and Coke a Cola. Yes, we had to have the Cola. No invasion would be good without Cola! And don’t forget the spam! Come to think about it, I have would rather surrendered to the enemy than face the menu of Cola, canned green beans and Spam the rest of my life. Sometimes when one would open a closet door, one would be wise to be wearing a hard hat. No kidding!  I remember the day when my mom asked me to get something out of the top closet pantry. The next thing I remember, after waking up on the ground, is seeing cans of food stuff flying down at my head.

When Costco opened up it in the 80’s it was like my parents experienced heaven on earth! One day I asked my mom if I needed a special membership card to visit the overstocked pantry. She just looked at me and said, “Please leave a gratuity on the table”. At this point I want to stress they were not hoarders. Not one piece of furniture was ever out of place and there were no National Geographic magazines stacked a mile high in the middle of the living room. (They were in the closet).

 Well today I find the apple does not fall far from the proverbial Costco tree, for I find myself at Costco stacking my cart full of inert meat stuff and, Oh look! They have food samples!  Yum! Organic Apple Turkey Sausage and Ravioli stuffed with cheese! Tacos, tofu and toffee oh my!  Nibbling my way through the store I wonder if they would notice if I made another round. Would they recognize me if put my sun glasses on this time? I wonder if they ever booted anyone out of the store for just sampling. Free lunch anyone? I can just see myself on the six o’clock news being escorted out of the store, kicking and screaming, “I’m an Executive Member!”  

 “This is Dan Green at KSBW News, there was a swat team assembled outside of Costco today on the Westside of Santa Cruz. It appears from our sources that a man was caught sampling too much of the free Turkey Sausage and Pizza Nips. He was spotted cruising in and out of the refrigerator isle eating his way over to the baked goods area and harassing the demo staff!” “The demo staff report that, “He seemed like he was a nice man, but you just never know about those nice quite types.” Well, you just never know when the Russians are going to invade either!

Unemployment Blues

The Unemployment Blues….                                                                      10/4/11

I just got laid off from a job that I really liked. I was an HR Assistant for a local Berry company. As I sit here at Peet’s Coffee, I am attempting to think of humorous things that accompany unemployment. Well, I need to think harder for nothing is coming to me. Unemployment benefits are not paying out until at least three weeks into unemployment so I have to save every little dime I have until I get my first check.

 I guess one out of four do win at the new Monopoly game at McDonalds, for I just won a free breakfast sandwich this morning, so at least I will not starve. After eating my Mc whatever it was, I decided to write down my thoughts as they happen while sitting here at the coffee shop. As I am waiting here for inspiration, a man comes in, not unusual, but as he is waiting in line he begins talking to himself. Yes, he is in his own little world, actually making merry in his head out loud for he is singing a happy tune! Before getting his coffee? Maybe he won a Mc Sandwich too!  Now he is really singing, he just got his coffee, now he is stirring in his cream and there goes the sugar, now the cream again, and now the second verse same as first. I think it’s a gospel song, no a love song. Oh, it’s something about Lonesome Dove. Oops there he goes out the door. Shoot I was hoping for an encore. 

Now two ladies in their mid forties just drove up, one in a BMW and one in a Mercedes, both wearing tennis outfits. Oh, don’ they look cute in their little tennis hats. They get their coffee and here they come to sit by me. They seem unhappy, maybe they are unemployed too.  Well, as I am sitting here trying not to over hear their conversation they kind of get a little loud, so I can’t help it. They are complaining about their lives. I wonder what they have to complain about?  Oh, husbands, OH, OH kids. Oh NO! They cannot get their maids to clean their houses’ properly, their maids?  Apparently, Hazel has a problem vacuuming the rugs and Hilda has an issue with the kid’s beds. Oh, now back to their husbands who work too long of hours and are never home to be with them, and now the kids again, seems they do not appreciate their allowances nor that their beds are made up by maids. Now the one lady is angry over her life in general and then the other lady is getting upset about her life. As I am about ready to get up and smack them both upside the head, the one lady looked at her watch and says, “We have to go now our nail appointments are in ten minuets!”  They get up and hurry over to their new cars and drive off. I think I have just decided to be happy in my state of unemployment. Um, I wonder if I should fire my maid.  Happy Thanksgiving!