The Hills Have Eyes.

The Hills have EYES.

I hate reality TV. In the early 90’s I got hooked on a TV show called, “The Real Life” Set in San Francisco. It was about a group of 20 year olds from different kinds of back grounds living together in one big house. My mom had called me up one day and said, “Hey watch this show it’s happening in your city.” So I got caught up in it. UGH! I felt like a voyeur. I became so co-dependent toward these complete strangers that I started living my life around the time they came on TV. So after that, I decided to never engage in Reality TV again. Especially after one of the characters died on the show and I found myself crying my eyes out for someone whom I never met or who never met me! Like what’s that all about?  Now fast forward 20 years. I have basic cable which means I have to turn to the TV Guide Channel to view what is going to be played that hour. It’s the channel that has the slow revolving screen that seems to take hours to scroll up. Well, a few months ago they started playing this reality TV show called, “The Hills.” It’s about a bunch of rich self absorbed white, like white on rice white kids, not one minority on the show. The girls all look like Barbie dolls and the guys look like Ken. They all live in Hollywood and for the life of me I can not figure out what they all do for a living. I think they live off of daddy’s money. Put it this way, if they were all in a horror movie together, they would be the first ones who you would want to be killed off because they are so annoying! I really do not like this show but some how have become addicted to it. It happened very slowly over time. The show comes on while I am eating dinner and that’s also when I try to figure out what to watch on TV that night. Last night I found I actually watched two episodes in a row and missed the program I really wanted to see.  I have some how got hooked to the point where I now know their actual names, and I hate them. It’s like watching a train wreck you look away but then you look back again. I just can’t look away!   Heidi, Spencer, Lauren, Adriana, Brody and the rest. It took me awhile but I now think I know what the premise of the show is.  What I understand so far is that they all moved from New York City to Hollywood. I believe the show used to be called, “The City.” Lauren and Heidi used to be best friends but Spencer came along and Lauren just hated him, ( And so does everyone else) but Heidi can not see what a huge A Whole he is. And trust me he IS! So now no one likes Heidi either, and also she seems to have gone through some kind of transformation.  Like she used to be the girl next door and now she is a play boy bunny only with out the ears. So on the last two shows that I have seen, Heidi and Spencer got into a fight and he went off to the bar with some buddies and he started hitting on “Tracie the Bar Tender.” Heidi got wind of it and they started going through counseling. Then I missed a few episodes, thank god. The next time I looked they were all in this huge church and they were getting married. Now this is where I lost it. As each of the wedding attendees came in, the monocle on the screen gave their names and who they were friends with. All of a sudden this girl comes in alone and at the top of the screen it says, “Tracie the Bar Tender”. What the Hell? I was laughing so hard I chocked on my own salvia. This show has got to be scripted in someway. It’s too outrageous and obscene to be real. I mean I think this is why terrorists hate us. The worst thing about all this is my own behavior.  I  actually found myself Googling them to find out what kind of past they had or where they are now. I am so ashamed. Me a 50 year old man addicted to these people and their lives. Is there a support group for this? A 12 step program for people who are addicted to reality TV? Lord, give me the courage to change the channel, to know when I can not change the channel,  and the wisdom to know when to turn off the dam TV!
7/13/11

PS. I was watching an OLD episode last night and found out they do have jobs and miss goody two shoes Lauren is not the humble beauty and good friend to Heidi that I thought she was. It turns out that Heidi confided to Lauren that she was applying to become an assistant at the biggest PR Event firm in Hollywood, and if she got it she would quit school. Well, she got it and Lauren was a complete BITCH to her, even veining happiness for her on the phone, but then hanging up her cell phone in the middle of her conversation. Poor Heidi was like hello hello? What I gather is they this was all PRE-Spencer. Now I understand Heidi and feel very sorry for her.     I now think Lauren was never a real friend and even was extremely jealous of her. I hate this show.