Wicker Furniture for Vegans 11/10/13
Recently a friend of mine showed me a place he was
interested in renting on Craig’s List which triggered a memory about a house
hunting experience I had a few years ago when my dog Blue and I were out
looking for a new place to live. It was in October and Blue was about 4 years
old at the time. He was still very playful and rambunctious and tended to get
into a lot of trouble. It was very difficult to find a place to live due to his
enormous energy. Landlords would take one look at his 70 pound ball of Aussie
mixed white flurry fur and shy away from us. Also around this same time I
remember watching the movie “The Wicker Man”. This movie is not a Nicholas Cage
hero of the day movie like his others. In fact, for us men, it is one of the
scariest movies out there. Basically it’s about a really good guy who gets
burned in the end. (I’m not talking Ghost Rider burned either). A few days later I found myself looking at a
listing for a place to live on Craig’s List. It read, “Two women with dogs
looking for a third person with Dog.” I
quickly called them up and they invited me over to see their place.
As I am driving around a dusk lit evening, I find myself
winding through the San Lorenzo Valley up this mountain side to a huge
beautiful Ideal spread of property with lots of trees and green grass for Blue
to run around on. As I put Blue on a leash, I found myself very impressed and
hopeful, walking up to the front door.
After ringing the bell, a very attractive man and woman answered the
door and welcomed me in. They said, “Let Blue run around with our two dogs to
see how he gets along with them.” So off he went playing and romping on the
lawn with their two shepherd type dogs. He was in Dog heaven! Meanwhile they showed me the around the house
and the room I would live in. I found it an amazing place and secretly wanted
to move right in. They had the place lit
in a certain way that the shadows bounced off the walls which made me squint a
bit, but it also gave the place a homey kind of glow, I remember there being a
lot of lit candles. They then sat me down and started to intently look me over.
That’s when I realized that I was mistaken and that they were both woman.
(Think Rachel Meadow and Portia De Rossi). As they gazed upon me, they kept
looking at my head, as if there was something hovering around my hair. As their
intense gaze was boring through me, they asked me some intense questions. They
asked me if I had any issues with them being Lesbians. I said, “Of course not,
which I did not. I love Lesbians! They are great to borrow clothes from and
don’t ask to borrow my razor to shave their legs with!” They both laughed,
thank God. But then they asked me if I was religious and I said, “Yes I believe
in the Christian God, Jesus.” They then
said, “We practice ‘Wicken”. My first thought was, “Oh they make wicker
furniture”. (No! Its’ Wiccan! That’s me not getting it). As they could see I
was not getting it, one of them spoke up and said, “Yes, Sabrina here is an,
“Astros Psychic Reader. And I am a Crystal Projection Practitioner. We both do
massage, with woman only, and we bring clients back here to the house. Would
that be a problem?” I thought to myself,
“Well this could be interesting”. Since I had no idea what they were talking
about I said, “That’s ok”? I was
feeling more and more like I wish I had boobs at that moment. Their intense
gaze at me was what was really starting to unnerving me. Then they asked me to
go get my dog so they could get to know him better. I said ok, hoping they did
not mean that in the biblical sense because by this time I was feeling very
much like Hansel being thrown into the fire. Meanwhile, out on this amazing
spread of property, Blue was having a great time playing with the other two
dogs and as I went to fetch him I felt bad because I knew there was a strong
chance we would not be calling this home. As I came back with him, they asked
me to put him in front of them in this circle that was on the floor. That is
when I noticed a design on the carpet surrounded by a circle. From my angle I
could not tell what it was until l walked back in the room with Blue. It looked
like a star of some sort. I still didn’t get it. I put Blue in the middle and
sat back down. That is when the fun began. Instead of petting him they just
gazed at him like they did to me. By this time my nervousness was getting the
best of me and I said at the top of my voice, “Why are you intently looking at
him like that, he does not have fleas!” They said, “We are looking for his
Aura” “hu? His whata?” “His Aura.” Ok…..
They said a bunch of mumbo jumbo about his spiritual colors matching
their dogs etc.
I think Blue began to feel very uncomfortable for he began
panting and wining, Oh! wait that was me. I kept thinking can I live with this?
I looked at my watch and said, “Well I need to get going its dinner time. That
is when the bomb shell dropped. They asked me if I ate meat. And I said, “Oh I
love meat, steaks, chicken and especially Bacon, Blue and I both Love bacon”.
“I am addicted to the food network and love to cook.” They said, “Well we are a
Vegan house hold. I said, “What? What’s a Vegan?” I had heard of Vegetarians
but this took it to a whole other level. They said we do not eat meat and the
new roommate will not be allowed to cook it in the kitchen. That’s when I lost
it. I said, “What kind of people are you??!” Not eat Meat?! I can live with
Lesbians, I can even ignore your religious practices but not eat meat?! I
grabbed Blue and got the hell out of there. I got home that night and as I kept
thinking, it dawned on me what that design on the carpet was and then I wondered
if they wanted me to become their next “Wicker Man?”
